Good Night Sleep Issues!

A friend recently messaged me on Facebook asking for advice on sleep for her baby. This isn't the first conversation I've had regarding this subject. In fact, over the past three years, sleep has been a constant thread of interest in our lives, as we went from deprivation (when our daughter was a baby), to times of plenty (when she started sleeping soundly), back to deprivation (with the birth of our son).

So, on the second night in a row when we have slept through the night with both kids, I feel that it's time for a major sleep post. This is a controversial issue, so please realize that my opinions are just that. They are, however, based upon a lot of reading, research, and observation of our two kids. Here is our journey to sleep...

First of all, my husband and I did not do CIO (cry it out) with either of our kids and are in firm belief that it isn't for us. We have tried to let our kids cry for a more prolonged period (over 5 minutes), but have only seen it yield bigger and more lusty screams.

When each child was ready, and you'll know from the sound of the crying/fussing, we would leave the room after putting them down a tiny bit awake. They'd usually cry just a bit and/or fuss and then go down within about 5-10 minutes. This is different from CIO because some of those methods espouse the idea that even if your child is freaking out, you need to stay away.  Okay, so that was part 1 of our experience. Then there were the night wakings...and those are still part of our reality with Z...when we'd hear them fuss and determine whether they needed us to intervene. Again, if we let it go past a certain point, they'd awaken themselves and be in a worse off state (as would we). Instead, we'd go in and replace the paci/soothe them back to sleep. These interventions waned to anywhere from 1-4 per night at about 5 months.

Here are some non-negotiables for us:

1. We have never slept with our kids or invited them into our bed, as this was always something our books warned against unless you co-sleep. If our kids need us, we go to them in the night (not the other way around).

2. Naps are KING around here. We work our schedule around napping at every opportunity. Per my extensive reading of sleep research, sleep deprivation is rampant in children in the U.S. and a major reason for this is lack of napping at a consistent time during the day. (A good indicator that your child is sleep deprived is if she is falling asleep every time he/she is in the car for a longer ride--after a certain age, of course!)

3. We allow our kids to have natural circadian rhythms. Natalie has always gone to bed around 7ish. Now that she's a bit older (almost 3), she goes to bed anywhere between 7:30-8:15. Z goes to bed between 6:30-7. They awaken between 6:30-7. While we cannot sleep in, it is their natural rhythm for sleep and we find that it is worth modifying our dinner and party plans. Plus, it gives us a bit of an evening together as a couple to chat and relax before we have to go to bed ourselves.

Here's the benefit of our modified "attachment parenting" nighttime style: a lot of our parent friends who did BabyWise and CIO style parenting during the infant stage have toddlers/kids who are very needy and crawl into bed with them. Natalie has slept through the night and like a ROCK STAR since she was about 14 months. It took her what seemed like forever to nap and sleep well, but we were consistent with our routines and the times we put her down and it helped tremendously.

We notice that by starting all that with Z early on, he's a MUCH better sleeper. He has been napping for 1.5-2.5 hours at a time since about 4 months. (That would have been a pipe dream for Natalie! She was a total "cat napper", sleeping for a total of 30 minutes during her longest naps. It would drive me insane and occasionally to tears!) He's also a pretty good night sleeper, although the first year is fraught with teething and developmental milestones which disturb sleep. Again, we are very responsive during the night and with the great results for our three-year-old, I have to think that there's something to the whole "attachment" thing. She feels more secure--always has--because her parents have always been there for her. Now when she wakes up, she realizes we're there for her if needed and she can go back to sleep on her own.

That's our sleep-story and I'm sticking to it.